Move out already, Karen!

So as you know Karen WAS supposed to move out today, but for some reason I found her in the living room watching TV and eating. Get the fuck out! I’m supposed to have a party soon. Spread your wings and fly. Go on to greater things in life. Most importantly… MOVE OUT! God Karen, you’re ruining my Thursday night plans! Root beer, popcorn, and a movie…. Alone.

I found her after my nice long nap of dreaming about dating Mac Miller. (yeah, I know it’s a weird crush to have. Let’s just not talk about it.) Anyways, who I was dating this afternoon really isn’t what I want to focus on. As you can imagine, the joy I felt after waking up quickly drained from my body after I discovered she was no longer moving out today. What I found was something Jim Gaffigan would even be in awe of. The ENTIRE coffee table was cluttered with food items from Taco Bell. It was heaven for stoners everywhere.  I know you’re probably wondering “So what?” Well come aboard my time machine and let me take you back to last Wednesday night.

Okay so I lied. We won’t be going on my time machine because… well it’s broken. But no worries! I can just explain it to you in my usual rant. It’s probably more exciting than a time machine ride any ways.



Maybe not.





Okay, I know it’s not. Just deal with it.





So last Wednesday, I didn’t want to cook and I was craving Buffalo Wild Wings. Karen had already eaten dinner so I figured she didn’t want to go with. Well I guess I was wrong… I haven’t been able to eat b-dubs since before I had my wisdom teethed pulled, so there was no way this craving was going away. I got a wrap for dinner, and boneless wings for lunch the next day.  Karen got a wrap, fried pickles, and mac and cheese. But she had dinner? YES!

So that takes care of Wednesday and Thursday’s.

Friday we ate “normally”.  Now I say normal with quotation marks, because my normal is three meals a day; when someone else’s normal may not be the same.

Saturday we cooked out burgers, hot dogs, brats, and bacon. There was fruit salad, potato salad, chips, etc.  Basically there was a lot of fuckin food! So we obviously ate that all the next day too. Sunday. However, also after drinking that night we all made a stop at taco bell for some late night snacks.

Monday was a day I didn’t have other food because of the cookout so I was ordering Jimmy Johns. Karen wanted in too. We each got two subs: one for dinner and one for lunch on Tuesday.

After that I was done! I couldn’t handle anymore. I felt so gross after all the junk food we have been eating. Apparently, Karen did not.

She continued to have Subway Wednesday and baked hundreds of cookies.

There was Macca’s breakfast for today (Thursday), and now this brings us to the stoner heaven on a coffee table. I mean there were tacos and nachos and more tacos and a big container of I don’t know what. What comes in that big of a container from T-Bell? I almost just thought Taco Bell had to shut down and set up shop at our house for a little bit.  Mc Donald’s and Taco Bell (and no doubt some more cookies) in one day. I think I would throw up. I already wanted to after our long weekend of junk food.

* Please note: Taco Bell is pretty much our neighbor. I can bet any of you a thousand rubies that Karen drove there.



**Also note: I don’t have a thousand rubies, nor do I know where that came from. So this bet really doesn’t exist. But that does not mean I don’t have confidence in this speculation.


I mean I’m not here to judge. I ate a lot of crap too. But damn, I don’t know how you keep going. Especially when she “doesn’t have any money”, and a fridge full of food that she should probably eat before she moves out?



Either way if you smoke a lot of weed, you can come over to our house when you have the munchies. Until then, I think Karen has it covered and I will just post pone my party until tomorrow night. Stay classy everyone!




I tried searching pictures of Jim Gaffigan, and this gem of a picture showed up. Enjoy!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s