Dear future wife of Sidney Crosby,
You do not exist yet. For all I know it could quite possibly be me. Probably not though. I just like to hope.
All I know is that I envy you most out of anyone in this world.
You probably will never know how lucky you really are. Or wait, maybe I will never know how lucky I really am? Man this is getting confusing already.
Am I writing to some other girl or my future self?
In reality some other girl, probably a model. Delusionally is not a word. Just go with it. Delusionally, I am writing to my future self. Alright good I got that straightened out.
Maybe this is the unhealthy obsession my family is talking about with hockey? I mean here I am writing an envious letter to the future Mrs. Crosby. Okay this is the epiphany I needed. I really need to go and get myself date…. After I write this letter. And then after I might get some coffee. Or Tequila… that will help me talk to more boys men …maybe.
Anyways, why am I jealous of you, the future Mrs. Crosby? Well for a more obvious point, just look at him! Those brown eyes, luscious locks of hair, a dazzling smile, kissable lips, and that in shape hockey body… ahhhhhhhh…….
Oh you’re still there? Sorry! Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my face.
Umm next point?
Yeah next point.
Well he’s humble, professional, and he likes to pull pranks! I mean seriously how fun is that? There’s nothing like a guy who likes to joke around and have fun every once in a while. His talent is just through the roof! I mean that boy can play hockey, it’s ridiculous… and attractive.
Professional, Just look at that focus!
Some of that talent can rub off into future generations. I would love to bear the next great hockey player in my womb for 9 months, and bring that kid into the world. Is that weird? It might be. But I guess it’s just a dream of mine to have a son that I can watch and cheer on as he becomes a hockey prodigy. Judge all you want… but I’m also just imagining what it would take to make that kind of magic… did I just make that weirder? Actually I think I made it awkward… You know that song “Fantasy” by Ludacris? Well I think I finally answered him back all those years of him asking “Now t-t-tell me wh-wh-what’s your fant-t-tsy?” Yeah… I like awkward.
Alright, enough about that. He’s not a piece of meat you know!
In summation (I feel like I’m writing a persuasive essay), if he’s having good games and scoring left and right then good! You’re doing a good job at keeping him happy. But, when he starts making mistakes and doing terrible, just know that it’s your fault and the entire Penguin’s fan community hates your stinkin’ guts and you are the scum between our toes!
Oh by the way, congratulations on the future wedding!
The “should be” Mrs. Crosby