Sarcasm and Jealousy Makes Things Weird

Daily Prompt: Green-Eyed Monster

Dear future wife of Sidney Crosby,

You do not exist yet. For all I know it could quite possibly be me. Probably not though. I just like to hope.

All I know is that I envy you most out of anyone in this world.

You probably will never know how lucky you really are. Or wait, maybe I will never know how lucky I really am? Man this is getting confusing already.

Am I writing to some other girl or my future self?

In reality some other girl, probably a model. Delusionally is not a word. Just go with it. Delusionally, I am writing to my future self. Alright good I got that straightened out.

Maybe this is the unhealthy obsession my family is talking about with hockey? I mean here I am writing an envious letter to the future Mrs. Crosby. Okay this is the epiphany I needed.  I really need to go and get myself date…. After I write this letter. And then after I might get some coffee. Or Tequila… that will help me talk to more boys men …maybe.

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Anyways, why am I jealous of you, the future Mrs. Crosby? Well for a more obvious point, just look at him! Those brown eyes, luscious locks of hair, a dazzling smile, kissable lips, and that in shape hockey body… ahhhhhhhh…….

Oh you’re still there? Sorry! Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my face.

Umm next point?

Yeah next point.

Well he’s humble, professional, and he likes to pull pranks! I mean seriously how fun is that? There’s nothing like a guy who likes to joke around and have fun every once in a while. His talent is just through the roof! I mean that boy can play hockey, it’s ridiculous… and attractive.

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Professional, Just look at that focus!

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Prankster

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Ridiculous talent

Some of that talent can rub off into future generations.  I would love to bear the next great hockey player in my womb for 9 months, and bring that kid into the world. Is that weird? It might be. But I guess it’s just a dream of mine to have a son that I can watch and cheer on as he becomes a hockey prodigy. Judge all you want… but I’m also just imagining what it would take to make that kind of magic… did I just make that weirder? Actually I think I made it awkward… You know that song “Fantasy” by Ludacris? Well I think I finally answered him back all those years of him asking “Now t-t-tell me wh-wh-what’s your fant-t-tsy?” Yeah… I like awkward.

Alright, enough about that. He’s not a piece of meat you know!

In summation (I feel like I’m writing a persuasive essay), if he’s having good games and scoring left and right then good! You’re doing a good job at keeping him happy. But, when he starts making mistakes and doing terrible, just know that it’s your fault and the entire Penguin’s fan community hates your stinkin’ guts and you are the scum between our toes!

Oh by the way, congratulations on the future wedding!

Sincerely,

The “should be” Mrs. Crosby

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No One Cares in Wisconsin

59 days left until the NHL hockey season, and I couldn’t be more excited!!

I’m ready to see how the latest trades and drafts work out. I’m ready to see what new talent there is, and what records can be broken. And I mean the eye candy doesn’t really hurt either… But really, I’m mostly just ready for the Chicago Blackhawks to just not be the champions anymore.  I could have dealt with any other of the 29 teams winning (yes even the Capitals). But no it had to be the Hawks. The worst part is that people in Wisconsin jumped on the bandwagon when they won the Stanley Cup even though they never watched a hockey game in their life. Why pretend like you are a fan when everyone else knows you’re not. Plus since when was it okay for someone from Wisconsin to like a team from Illinois?

I mean you hear people say Fuck the Cubs, Fuck Da Bears, but not Fuck the Blackhawks? What? How does that even happen?

 

Whatever it wont matter anymore after this season. Plus its always fun for me to ask the pretend Blackhawks fans questions that I know they wouldn’t know the answer to. It just shows them and other people that they actually don’t know anything about the sport. Maybe it’s not nice of me, but I take the sport seriously. I don’t have time for the pretenders talking shit to me, so the faster I get them to shut up, the better.

 

I can’t wait for another road trip to a game soon.

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Minnesota Wild vs. Pittsburgh Penguins in 2010 @MN

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2011 Winter Classic Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Washington Capitals

 

-TCBL

It’s that time of the year again…

Playoff beards, parties, and a very high blood pressure.

Well, I can’t grow a beard so I guess that’s out.

Wisconsin could give two shits about hockey so finding friends to celebrate this special time with has very slim pickings (By slim I mean none).

But hey, I have a blood pressure that will increase no matter what state you live in. At least I have one thing I can always count on: A heart attack.

It’s the one time of the year when I actually want to listen to “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” With a few select word changes of course, maybe a little something like:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With the head coaches yelling
And everyone telling teams “Bring Lord Stanley home”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those bloody fist fights and hard hitting checks
When history is made
It’s the hap- happiest season of all

There’ll be parties for hosting
A Cup that needs hoisting
And smashing old records
There’ll be scary close moments
And tales of the glories of
the Greats from long, long ago

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be a lot of goal scoring
And crowds will be cheering
Until one team is left
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Or something along those lines any way….

Hey that song wasn’t very good. You know what, shut the hell up and make your own up then! Gosh give me a break. I never said I was an award winning song writer. I’m just a hockey fan damn it! I didn’t think your voice was “very good” so there! Yeah, I know you were trying to sing it along with tune to see if it fit.

I don’t know what’s so great about packed malls, spending hours looking for a parking spot, or fighting someone for that last “must have” gift left on the shelf, and someone’s grandma is always getting run over by a reindeer. It’s just a mess. Christmas is overrated.

But The Stanley Cup Playoffs… now THAT is something worth writing songs about. To say I’m a huge fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins is a gargantuan (because big wasn’t big enough) understatement.

How’s little Cindy Crysby doing with that broken jaw? Really, like I haven’t heard that one before. Let’s try being a little more original here people. You’re probably a Flyers fan, so I gotta ask how are the playoffs for you? NON-EXISTANT

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Ah the shit-talking. Every fan does it. It just makes the game that much more fun. It makes the rivalries just that much more interesting. It also makes the fan of the team that ends up losing look like a complete idiot and is left to deal with the ridicule that follows. But the love and loyalty for your team still carries on. The time to be redeemed is put off until the next season starts all over again with new players, new teams, and more shit -talking.

Something I noticed today when I was walking to class (in my Penguins jersey of course): During playoffs if you see anyone wearing a hockey shirt that isn’t your team, you hate their stinking guts! You just give them an evil stare and contemplate maybe checking them into a brick wall or nearby tree. But, if you see them during the off season or even just regular season, you give each other like a little head nod that simply says “oh hey, you like hockey too, that’s cool.”

I only kid. I’ll dislike other teams and even players. But I am always happy to meet another hockey fan.

The Playoffs will be for a while, so I’m sure I’ll have more to say but there’s a game to watch people!!

Let’s go PENS!!!

-TCBL

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