Move out already, Karen!

So as you know Karen WAS supposed to move out today, but for some reason I found her in the living room watching TV and eating. Get the fuck out! I’m supposed to have a party soon. Spread your wings and fly. Go on to greater things in life. Most importantly… MOVE OUT! God Karen, you’re ruining my Thursday night plans! Root beer, popcorn, and a movie…. Alone.

I found her after my nice long nap of dreaming about dating Mac Miller. (yeah, I know it’s a weird crush to have. Let’s just not talk about it.) Anyways, who I was dating this afternoon really isn’t what I want to focus on. As you can imagine, the joy I felt after waking up quickly drained from my body after I discovered she was no longer moving out today. What I found was something Jim Gaffigan would even be in awe of. The ENTIRE coffee table was cluttered with food items from Taco Bell. It was heaven for stoners everywhere.  I know you’re probably wondering “So what?” Well come aboard my time machine and let me take you back to last Wednesday night.

Okay so I lied. We won’t be going on my time machine because… well it’s broken. But no worries! I can just explain it to you in my usual rant. It’s probably more exciting than a time machine ride any ways.

 

 

Maybe not.

 

 

 

 

Okay, I know it’s not. Just deal with it.

 

 

 

 

So last Wednesday, I didn’t want to cook and I was craving Buffalo Wild Wings. Karen had already eaten dinner so I figured she didn’t want to go with. Well I guess I was wrong… I haven’t been able to eat b-dubs since before I had my wisdom teethed pulled, so there was no way this craving was going away. I got a wrap for dinner, and boneless wings for lunch the next day.  Karen got a wrap, fried pickles, and mac and cheese. But she had dinner? YES!

So that takes care of Wednesday and Thursday’s.

Friday we ate “normally”.  Now I say normal with quotation marks, because my normal is three meals a day; when someone else’s normal may not be the same.

Saturday we cooked out burgers, hot dogs, brats, and bacon. There was fruit salad, potato salad, chips, etc.  Basically there was a lot of fuckin food! So we obviously ate that all the next day too. Sunday. However, also after drinking that night we all made a stop at taco bell for some late night snacks.

Monday was a day I didn’t have other food because of the cookout so I was ordering Jimmy Johns. Karen wanted in too. We each got two subs: one for dinner and one for lunch on Tuesday.

After that I was done! I couldn’t handle anymore. I felt so gross after all the junk food we have been eating. Apparently, Karen did not.

She continued to have Subway Wednesday and baked hundreds of cookies.

There was Macca’s breakfast for today (Thursday), and now this brings us to the stoner heaven on a coffee table. I mean there were tacos and nachos and more tacos and a big container of I don’t know what. What comes in that big of a container from T-Bell? I almost just thought Taco Bell had to shut down and set up shop at our house for a little bit.  Mc Donald’s and Taco Bell (and no doubt some more cookies) in one day. I think I would throw up. I already wanted to after our long weekend of junk food.

* Please note: Taco Bell is pretty much our neighbor. I can bet any of you a thousand rubies that Karen drove there.

 

 

**Also note: I don’t have a thousand rubies, nor do I know where that came from. So this bet really doesn’t exist. But that does not mean I don’t have confidence in this speculation.

 

I mean I’m not here to judge. I ate a lot of crap too. But damn, I don’t know how you keep going. Especially when she “doesn’t have any money”, and a fridge full of food that she should probably eat before she moves out?

 

 

Either way if you smoke a lot of weed, you can come over to our house when you have the munchies. Until then, I think Karen has it covered and I will just post pone my party until tomorrow night. Stay classy everyone!

 

-TCBL

 

I tried searching pictures of Jim Gaffigan, and this gem of a picture showed up. Enjoy!

Can’t Win With Karen

A mutual friend from home came to visit us for the weekend where we go to school.  It was a long weekend of drinking, cooking out, and laughs.  The first night after we had gone out Karen had slept until about 2 in the afternoon. I don’t know if I had mentioned this about Karen before but she sleeps… A LOT. That’s why we call her the bear. She basically hibernates like one, so we might as well just call her one. Well it was a long time to wait on her to get moving to get the day started. With this in mind, *Jess and I didn’t want to wait until the day was already half over again. We left the house to get the grocery shopping for our cookout done. About twenty minutes into our shopping who texts us?  None other than Karen. “Where u at?” was sent to my phone at 12:34 pm. Now this was a shock to us since it was almost 2 hours before she comes out of hibernation. Also, “Where u at?” No Karen, just no. It’s “where are you?”(If you are confused about my problem with this text, then you can refer to my “Are you talking to me?” blog) Needless to say I wasn’t the one who answered her back… Jess did. She has more patience than I do.

So a little back story before I continue on. You can never win with Karen. If you wake her up (even if she asks you to) you better be ready for the biggest tantrum thrown ever. If you come across an angry, just woken up Karen you might just wish you had come across a real live Grizzly bear instead.  I mean seriously…. Fear for your life!! I sometimes think Karen could scare away a bear with her rage. But if you don’t wake her up then you still get a tantrum, but not anywhere near close to a “run for your life” outburst. Since we know we can handle the small fits, we choose not to wake her up. It’s never been proven to be the wrong choice yet!

 

So back to the store. Karen asked why we didn’t wake her and all that stuff. So we told her just to tell us what she wanted and we would get it. It turned out fine. The cookout was a success, and we had another fun night out. The next day Jess was leaving and she asked how much the groceries were split three ways? It was about $13 each. She paid and I figured Karen would eventually pay me as well.

Karen was downing a whole bottle of soda, still chowing down some hotdogs, and slurping back those freeze pops like there was no tomorrow. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited a little longer. I finally received a text about a bill I had to pay, and I just couldn’t wait anymore.  I asked her for money… face-to-face. I know. I know. How did I make it out alive to tell the story? Believe me, I’m just about as surprised as you are. Let’s just say, I now stop to smell the flowers, take in the beauty of every sunset… Okay this just happened yesterday. So I only got to watch one sunset, but that doesn’t mean I won’t watch the rest!

Here’s how the conversation went…

Me: Hey, Karen since the cookout split between all of us is $13 I figured I could take the amount off the money I owe for the bill.

Karen: What is it for?

M: All the food.

K: But what for?

M: For everything… (minus my beer)

K: But I didn’t eat all of it.

M: Yeah, neither did I nor Jess.

K: Well that’s why I wanted you guys to wake me up, because I didn’t get to pick what I wanted.

(HERE WE GO! Back to the hibernation dilemma!! Oh really? You never go to pick what you wanted? Because I believe Jess was on the phone with her majority of the time and Karen was telling her what to get as I said before.. in bold. And I’m pretty sure we bought her a tub of potato salad even though she was the only one who wanted it and ate it.)

M: Well Jess paid me her share so I’m going to take it off the bill and give you whatever else is left. (I was already mad about how she was talking to me and treating me at that point so I just left it at that.)

Cue the moment when Karen stops talking to me! (Like that has never happened before HA!)

Let me tell you the REAL reason why Karen wanted to come to the store with us. She wanted to buy her own stuff that wouldn’t cost much, and then ask if she could “borrow” whatever it was that Jess and I bought. I get it we are all broke college kids, but that doesn’t mean you get to be a sneaky little cheap ass to your own friends.

So no less than an hour later, Karen walks up to me all nice to ask a question. I answered and left the house IMMEDIATELY.

Bi-polar much? I understand it’s a serious condition and by no means making fun of it. But Karen makes it hard not to!! I mean her mood swings give me whip lash. I just can’t handle it no matter how hard I try! I don’t think she really even realizes that she’s all over the place.

She’s been camped out in the living room hogging the TV and air con since. I told her to let me know when she was done so I could watch the shows I recorded. She told me I could use it then, but to sit in the same room with her? Nope! Off to bed I went. I got some alone time today, but of course she came in and sat with me…. With her Subway she just bought for herself…. We just got ourselves Jimmy Johns the day before this all happened…. That’s another story for another day.

I can’t win with Karen and I can’t deal with her until she recognizes her problem.  So until then, I’m going to continue being short with her, and throw a party tomorrow when she moves out!!! *Fist pump* Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah YEAH!!!!!!

 

Quick thought- How did I get through this rant without swearing?!?!? That is a record.

 

TheComedyBehindLife

Summer flings, relationships, break-ups, bachelorette, and more

Summer. I don’t understand what it is about this season that people think it’s the time to find love. I mean what is so attractive about someone sweating buckets, wearing too short of shorts to the point where they ride up to the Netherlands with every stride you take, frizzed out hair, and looking like a lobster when burnt by the sun? Unless you’re Rihanna or Joe Magliano at the beach, the heat doesn’t always work wonders for you. Maybe it’s just the weather today that has me feeling like this. Wisconsin summers aren’t always the best. When the humidity strikes it’s the worst! You walk out the door, the air hits you, you’re drenched (with sweat) instantly and need to go back inside to take another shower (or two) and change clothes. It’s just a gross feeling, which is how I feel now. That’s how it has been all day today. I like to take cover in the air con, not go out hitting on everyone. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Yeah and a lot of other reasons! Okay really, let’s just not go there! Thanks.

 

So tonight Karen, Nora, and I all got together to watch The Bachelorette. We had wine and talked beforehand. That’s when Nora told us that her and her boyfriend *Cole are breaking up. I already saw this coming for a while. Just because she’s confided in me a lot about their relationship, and I just witnessed how they were most of the time (Nora pointing out attractive guys more than me sometimes also was a big clue). But, I still felt like I had to give my Oscar winning performance, pretend like I had no idea, and come back with an “OMG! Why, what happened?” Nora had just turned 21 a couple months ago and has been in this relationship for over 2 years. The time in the relationship was just running down to its final seconds, then BAM! Summer hit. New news I also received that night was Nora already had her eyes set on a new guy… Really? She’s not even broken up with her current boyfriend yet, and she has another lined up already. Meanwhile I don’t even have anything close. I probably could try a little harder… “Sometimes I think I could do crystal meth, but then I think mmmm better not.”

A lot of relationships don’t make it past summer. Many of them start and end there actually. Which brings me to my next point. Summer flings. Another roommate of mine, *Kayla, was excited to meet this guy she plays volleyball with in a bar league. What I didn’t know was that she was excited to have a “summer fling”. I just don’t understand how someone can go into that mindset right away. I mean I understand if you meet someone in summer and at the end of the season it doesn’t work out after you return back to school, then so what. But to go looking specifically for a summer fling?? Maybe I’m the weird one, and I’m okay with that!

With that said, I don’t think I could ever be on a show like The Bachelorette. Dating however many guys at once, kissing multiple within 10minutes of each other on group dates, and developing feelings for that many people at once. I mean I know you have to date to find the right person, but 20 guys? That seems a little excessive. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it. That doesn’t stop me from watching though. If you’re like me and love awkward moments then this is a great show to watch! For any normal person they get uncomfortable in awkward situations, but not me. I love watching them, creating them, laughing at them, etc. Regardless my friends hate when I instigate awkward moments, but they always make for funny stories later on so I just can’t help it.

I guess I don’t understand why all these pretty women and good looking men are having such a hard time finding someone to date. I know a lot of the people who go on the show have other agendas, like becoming famous, but what about the ones that aren’t? Is it really that hard to meet people these days? I mean I know why all my close friends are single. A lot of it is out of stupidity, and the other part is out of them thinking they’re too good for the ones that are interested in them. I’m guessing they aren’t the only ones, so I guess maybe it is hard to meet people. If one of them asks one more time while they are drunk, “Why am I single?!?!” I might lose it. Or I’ll just turn into Barney Stinson and play the “Haaaave you met (enter single friend’s name here)” game. It seems to work for the fictional characters, maybe it could work for them? When will they wake up and realize the obvious things like the guy talking to them is interested and not the other one standing across the bar that hasn’t noticed them, or if a guy is texting you to hang out, they aren’t weird just because they like you and they aren’t the one you want texting you? But you still want that guy who is known for playing girls, breaking hearts, and rumored to have the herpolie urpolies (that means he’s been around the block too many times or angered enough girls to have that rumor started) text you?? Yeah, I too wonder why you’re having problems in the relationship department. Pretending like I have not a clue in the world as to why they’re single is not always my best performance, and definitely not Oscar worthy.

I guess I’ll just continue to hold in the BIG secret of why they are all single, laugh at all the awkward moments, and enjoy the single life for now.

-TCBL

Ah it’s F*cking Karen!

So it’s almost May 1st. That means the sun is out, the temperature is getting warmer, and its time for all college students bank accounts to go to shit. It’s the time that rent is due, and to say mine took a big dump way before this time is an understatement.

I’m a full time student without a job in this crappy small college town. I work as much as possible back home at my fancy job at a law office downtown in a bigger city. I’ll be honest, I make bank working there so I might be picky about where I work next. In my defense my only options are working at Walmart or all hours of the night at a bar downtown with hoodlums, no thank you I would rather pass. So I work Monday through Friday 8 to 5 for summer breaks, Christmas breaks, and spring breaks. I save as much as I can to contribute to my bills. When that money runs out, my lovely mother helps out. She’s a nurse and has to work two jobs because they get shitty ass pay even though they work their asses off. She is one of the hardest working people I know. We have a small house where something always needs fixing, which means more money we don’t have spent on repair. Student loans, house payments, bills upon bills just keep piling up. As a single parent she does one hell of a job making sure it gets paid, even if there isn’t any money left over after.

So let’s think about this for a second. If someone is working full time Monday-Saturday during prime bank hours, how are they supposed to deposit money at the exact time when an uptight college student (who thinks her schedule is the only important one) wants it to be deposited?

Karen: the friend that nobody likes.
Please tell me some of you know about Dane cook…. Yes? Good! Moving on.

So I’m over exaggerating when I say nobody likes her. I only like her half the time. The half when she is in a normal mood and not her “I hate everyone” mood. It also doesn’t help that I have what I like to call bitch syndrome. It means that everything I do or say around her is either wrong, mean, offensive, or she just plain out doesn’t like. However, if someone else does or says the exact same thing I did (or even have done in the past) then it’s as if that person magically became the funniest person in the ENTIRE world to her. Bitch syndrome: problem for girls everywhere since… well ever, with currently no cure or signs of there ever being one. She gets embarrassed easily and well I could give a flying rat’s ass what anyone thought of me. We are pretty opposite, yet we still choose to hang out, live together, and call each other friends. I won’t lie. We have do have fun together. That’s why I choose to stick around.

What does this have to do with rent? Calm the fuck down. I’m getting there!

So today is the 29th and she’s already about to have a bitch fit that me and one other roommate don’t have our rent. Me and this other roommate, Nora, both have financial issues and understand the burdens of trying to scramble the money together in time before the tyrant demands our heads as punishment for not having the money in time. When people walk past our house they probably think we’re watching some bad movie where the characters run into some trouble with a dirty loan shark.

“Where’s my money!?!”
*punches thrown, get kicked in the face and ribs a couple times, some glass breaks

“I don’t have it, I just need a few more days! I promise I’ll get it to you by Saturday.”

“You’ve had enough time… Ricky, kill him.”
*shots fired, blood everywhere

Okay maybe it’s not that dramatic, but Karen sure can make it out to be. Anyways the reason why it’s a big deal (to her) is because she doesn’t want to have to go to the bank multiple times which is a “big inconvenience” for her. The bank is 5-6 blocks away at most, and she drives there! Also, why not wait until you have everyone’s money to go to the bank? Or do you just like making things harder for yourself so you can be more uptight and try to make everyone else around you miserable? By now me and Nora both just laugh it off and ignore her. We always get a good laugh at things that Karen does. Nora is my favorite.

So why did you tell us about your mom? Please keep all questions until the end.

I texted my mom to tell her Veruca Salt WANTED THE MONEY NOW MOMMY! So after a long day of work she went to her bank to take out money, then drove to my bank to put the money in my account, and then finally was able to head home. These distances are miles long, therefore I propose this is more of an inconvenience than a few blocks (But Karen would probably just say I’m wrong). Especially after a day of work when all you want to do is get home. Or the fact that rent isn’t actually due until the 1st. Regardless this story has a happy ending. Karen gets her rent money on HER time. She doesn’t turn into an evil queen and send me to hang by a noose. I get to live another day. The end.

Some people just need to take a chill pill. Karen might need to triple, maybe even quadruple the dosage on chill pills. But until she does I’ll just continue to laugh at her negative ways and not let it ruin my beautiful, sunny, April 29th day.

-TCBL